7 Ways to Sharpen Your Relationship With Your Spouse--Part Six

Parenting experts always advise mothers and fathers to encourage their children. They tell parents through books and seminars that encouraging words and gestures support, cheer on, and shore up their sons and daughters and increase the likelihood they'll develop into confident, well-adjusted adults.

Marriage and family life experts William and Nancy Carmichael felt so strongly about the subject of encouragement that they even dedicated a chapter in their keepsake prayer journal, Lord Bless My Child, to this important character trait.

Titled “Lord, Help My Child To Become An Encourager," the section tells readers that "encouragement is a wonderful gift" that "we must nurture." Why? Because when we give it, we "offer life to someone--strength to go on."

While parents should offer encouragement to their offspring, husbands and wives also should encourage one another. I admit this won't always be easy; sometimes a spouse's personality flaws or quirky habits will make doing this extremely difficult. But, during those times, we aren't excused from being encouraging. We may just find ourselves praying a little harder and a little longer that God will give us exactly what we need in order to reach out to them.

In his book Staying In Love For A Lifetime, Dr. Ed Wheat includes the act of encouraging one’s spouse among his many tips on how to preserve and improve a marriage. In a section especially for newlyweds, he says spouses should strive to “touch” one another emotionally by encouraging and giving their partner “the gift of sympathetic understanding.”

He believes that watching what you say to your partner and praising them will build them up and, ultimately, lead to increased intimacy. And, that’s an important ingredient regardless of whether you’re newly married or have been married for a long time.

New parents should also be intentional about encouraging one another. Although women will likely receive compliments and supportive comments from their own mother and other moms they know, they also want to hear these types of statements from their husbands. Likewise, men also need confirmation that they’re developing into excellent parents and are just as vital to the rearing of their children as their wives are.

This is why Dr. Mark Crawford, author of When Two Becomes Three, addressed this topic in his book. In it, he says it’s important for wives to “encourage and allow” their husbands to be dads, even if they handle child-rearing responsibilities differently. He believes this makes it possible for husbands to “follow” their wives into parenthood and allows them to feel like they’re “an integral part” of the parenting team. And, being part of the team early on is instrumental in the development of the very important father-child bond.

Encouraging one’s spouse is also important during those times when he or she is facing a troubling situation or circumstance, such as job-related stress, financial worries, or the failing health of a parent. That’s when the gift of encouragement takes on even more significance and brings to light words found in the Carmichaels’ book: “at its very heart, encouragement is generosity of spirit—offering to someone else the courage to go on…”

While encouraging one’s spouse during significant phases or changes in life is important, what’s even more important to most of us is that our mates bring Hebrews 3:13 to life and encourage us on a daily basis. A few simple ways to do this are to place handwritten notes containing compliments in places where your spouse will find them, such as your wife’s purse or your husband’s briefcase. You can even tuck them into your spouse’s suitcase before they go out of town on a business trip or into their lunch bag if you pack their lunches for them.

If your spouse needs to work on improving their health, you could encourage them in their efforts by offering to make little changes in the way you prepare family meals. You also could suggest that the two of you begin exercising together or even sign up to take a workout class together at your local fitness center or recreational facility.

If your loved one is feeling down about themselves or their life in general, you could commit to looking for opportunities to offer genuine, verbal compliments about their appearance, their character, their talents, or even the way they take care of you and your family. It's not hard to come up with ways to encourage one's spouse; all we need to do is identify ways to show them they’re valued and are not alone as they go through life.

Closing Thoughts:

If you’re already making a habit of encouraging your husband or wife, please keep it up. They are a better person because of this. However, if you can’t think of the last time you were intentional about reaching out to your mate in this way, please begin today to do things differently…for their sake and for the sake of your family.

Also, try to refrain from being overly critical of your loved one, both in the privacy of your own home and in front of others. Unless you had some very unusual and unbiblical wedding vows the day you married, I’m pretty sure they didn’t include the promise to tear one another down verbally or emotionally. If you have trouble doing this on your own, consider finding a marriage counselor who will assist you in developing healthier, more constructive ways to interact with your spouse.

Scripture of Encouragement:

“A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4, NIV)

7 Ways to Sharpen Your Relationship With Your Spouse—Part Five

Marriages are also sharpened or blessed when spouses commit to praying with--and for--one another. Famous marriage expert Dr. James Dobson is confident that communication with God has been the "stabilizing factor" throughout his marriage to his wife Shirley.

In fact, he said in his award-winning book, Love For A Lifetime, that “a meaningful prayer life is essential in maintaining a Christ-centered home.” Dobson, who encourages couples to pray together on a daily basis for “strength and stability,” also says that “being able to bow down in prayer as the day begins or ends gives expression to the frustrations and concerns that might not otherwise be ventilated.”

I have to admit that my husband and I could do better with this. While there are certain times during every day that we’re praying together about something—at mealtime, while doing devotions with our daughters, for safe commuting as we go throughout a given day, etc.—we should be more deliberate about praying specifically for our relationship on a regular basis.

If you've been feeling like this, as well, I encourage you to go out and buy a copy of The Love Dare. The Love Dare is the book that was made popular because of its connection to the hit movie "Fireproof." In it, couples will find a 40-day challenge that's geared toward helping them better understand the meaning of--as well as move them toward practicing--unconditional love. And, one of the topics that it covers is the subject of prayer between husbands and wives.

The author starts out by saying that, for many Godly couples, the daily practice of praying together will "significantly improve" their lives together. The authors say that men and women that pray together end up experiencing such unity that "an intense and powerful connection" forms. Another not-to-be-missed section is the appendix that discusses the "locks and keys" of effective prayer that could prove to be beneficial in all areas of our lives.

In addition to praying with your spouse, I also believe you should pray for them on a regular basis. If things are going well between you and your spouse, you should pray that your relationship will continue to flourish. In other words, you should pray that your spouse will continue to be the kind of person that makes you happy and fulfills you.

On the other hand, if there are things about your relationship with your significant other that you would like to see change or improve, you can commit to praying this will happen. God wants to hear about your concerns and frustrations, as well.

Jewell R. Powell, author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith, believes that prayer is so vital to the health of one’s marriage that she includes many prayers in her book that wives (and husbands) could adapt for their own use as they work through various issues. Among the wide variety of topics that the prayers address are such concerns as the problem of selfishness, a lack of communication, neglecting to remember the promises made on one’s wedding day and failing to live according to God’s word.

While Healthy Habits for Spiritual Growth, which was penned by Luis Palau, isn’t about the institution of marriage, the principles on prayer that are included in the book can also be employed in our relationships with our spouses. First, Palau says we should take the time to pray to God every day. And, he’s referring to setting aside specific slots of time as opposed to quick prayers we may be inclined to spurt out as we’re “rushing around in the morning.” In addition to having a specific time set aside for prayer, he also believes we should pray “during the entire day.” This is what is meant in I Thessalonians 5:17, where we learn we should “pray continually.”

Palau also says we should pray in God’s will. As author and prayer seminar leader Evelyn Christenson said in her book, What Happens When Women Pray, praying in God’s will is not easy—because of our own baggage—but it is “very simple.” And, one of the best guarantees you’ll have at least a modicum of confidence that you’re praying in this way is to become “better acquainted with God’s word,” Palau says.

So, read and commit to memorizing bible verses that help married people know how God feels about the institution of marriage, as well as how he expects wives and husbands to treat one another. Then you’ll be able to ascertain whether your prayers are likely to line up with God’s will for your marriage and, ultimately, your life.

Finally, we learn in Palau’s book that we should pray “with expectancy and thankfulness.” He says we “miss the joy of seeing prayer answered if we don’t consciously watch for signs of God’s intervention.” I agree. Meditate on Colossians 4:2—Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful—to reinforce this principle in your mind.

Closing Thoughts:

For some married people, beginning to incorporate a regular time of prayer with and for your spouse--regardless of the frequency or length of the prayer time--could be challenging. But, that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to do it. Perhaps you could start off with five minutes at the beginning or end of each day. It's better to start somewhere than not at all! For those that have already been doing this, maybe you could consider increasing the amount of time you spend in prayer or begin to lift up the marriages of loved ones and friends during your prayer time.

Scripture of Encouragement:

"The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." (James 5:16, NIV)

7 Ways to Sharpen Your Relationship With Your Spouse—Part Four

One other way to sharpen or enhance your relationship with your spouse is respect them. Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate® Dictionary says that when you respect another person you consider them “worthy of high regard” or “esteem” them. So, how does this look when lived out in a relationship between husbands and wives?

When we highly regard or esteem another person, we place great value on them. So, if our spouse is dear to us, we must be intentional about showing them they hold a special place in our hearts and lives. This is particularly true during those times that it would be more natural for us to disrespect them because they’re not behaving--or treating us--the way we feel they should. This isn't always easy to do, but I'd like to offer a few suggestions you may find helpful:

First, refrain from bringing up past mistakes over and over again. Some women and men inadvertently bring up previously dealt with issues when they’re upset because it’s during those times that memories of those things seem to find their way back into the forefront of our minds. But, during heated discussions or arguments, past mistakes should be left in the past where they belong. Present day issues or problems can be weighty enough on their own. You don’t want to make them even harder to deal with by piling bad memories from the past on top of them.

I’m also convinced you should avoid complaining about your spouse to others. My parents have been married for almost 43 years and have experienced their share of disagreements, but I don’t ever remember hearing my mom badmouth my dad to a relative or friend. Why? Because she believes that, unless the health and well-being of a person—or that of their children—is at risk, there is rarely a need to bring outsiders into most issues that arise between spouses.

Now, I must admit I’ll occasionally tell others about one thing Vince does that annoys me: he'll repeatedly turn from a television show when it goes to a commercial break so he can keep track of what's happening on another channel (or two). (Does this sound familiar to anyone?) But, I don't broadcast to outsiders (translation: ANYONE that doesn’t live in our home) serious complaints about him that would embarrass or humiliate him, even if venting about him might make me feel better. I sure wouldn’t want him to complain about my annoying habit of…well, never mind. (After all, this isn’t about me.)

But, seriously, confiding in a carefully selected, trusted friend, mentor, counselor or pastor is often seen by experts as being a good thing. However, repeatedly griping or grumbling about a variety of issues you have with your spouse to multiple acquaintances is not. I’m sure that many small relationship issues have become major marital crises because of comments—or even gossip—shared by a married person’s well-meaning neighbor, co-worker or church member who just had to voice their opinion about a situation they knew little about.

Additionally, resist the temptation to argue with your spouse in front of others. Now, I don’t mean you shouldn’t ever voice your own opinion or that you should always agree with everything your loved one says. I’m simply saying that, during those times that a conversation with your spouse begins to become argumentative or confrontational, it might be a good idea to politely offer one of those “let’s agree to disagree” statements and carefully direct the attention of the conversation to someone else or another topic. Onlookers will likely see you as a smart person who’s able to keep her cool in the midst of an uncomfortable situation rather than someone who turned a potentially awkward moment into an opportunity to attack her spouse.

Oh, and one more thing…please don’t share secrets your loved one has asked you to keep to yourself. Doing so could hurt them, as well as cause them to not trust you in the future with such information. And, this could seriously damage your relationship.

Closing Thoughts:

While many married people already have a good handle on what it means to show respect to their spouse, all of us benefit from the occasional reminder about how to make this happen in our own relationships. And, one person that recognizes the important part that respect plays in a relationship is Ellie Kay, who wrote The New Bride Guide: Everything You Need to Know About the First Year of Marriage, a few years ago. In her book, which would be a helpful resource even for couples that have been married a while, she says, “Men don’t just want respect from their brides, they actually need it to feel they are important and that what they do matters.” I know plenty of women that feel the same way.

Scripture of Encouragement:

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:33, NIV)

I Want To Hear From You!

It's been quite a while since I included a poll in my blog, so I thought that now--the beginning of the new year--would be a good time to create another one.

The new poll, which you can find below on the left of the page, will allow you to tell me about your New Year's Resolution(s). And, if you've resolved to do something that's not listed among the answers in my poll--or if you refrain from making resolutions--you'll still be able to participate in the poll.

(Note: Individual answers, names of respondents, etc., will be unknown to me and will remain confidential.)

Happy New Year!

I hope that you and everyone that is dear to you will have a safe, healthy, joy-filled, productive, and prosperous New Year!

P.S. I haven't forgotten that I still have four more posts to publish before the piece on sharpening your relationship with your spouse is completed. The fourth one, "Respect Your Spouse," will be published soon.