7 Ways to Sharpen Your Relationship With Your Spouse—Part Four

One other way to sharpen or enhance your relationship with your spouse is respect them. Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate® Dictionary says that when you respect another person you consider them “worthy of high regard” or “esteem” them. So, how does this look when lived out in a relationship between husbands and wives?

When we highly regard or esteem another person, we place great value on them. So, if our spouse is dear to us, we must be intentional about showing them they hold a special place in our hearts and lives. This is particularly true during those times that it would be more natural for us to disrespect them because they’re not behaving--or treating us--the way we feel they should. This isn't always easy to do, but I'd like to offer a few suggestions you may find helpful:

First, refrain from bringing up past mistakes over and over again. Some women and men inadvertently bring up previously dealt with issues when they’re upset because it’s during those times that memories of those things seem to find their way back into the forefront of our minds. But, during heated discussions or arguments, past mistakes should be left in the past where they belong. Present day issues or problems can be weighty enough on their own. You don’t want to make them even harder to deal with by piling bad memories from the past on top of them.

I’m also convinced you should avoid complaining about your spouse to others. My parents have been married for almost 43 years and have experienced their share of disagreements, but I don’t ever remember hearing my mom badmouth my dad to a relative or friend. Why? Because she believes that, unless the health and well-being of a person—or that of their children—is at risk, there is rarely a need to bring outsiders into most issues that arise between spouses.

Now, I must admit I’ll occasionally tell others about one thing Vince does that annoys me: he'll repeatedly turn from a television show when it goes to a commercial break so he can keep track of what's happening on another channel (or two). (Does this sound familiar to anyone?) But, I don't broadcast to outsiders (translation: ANYONE that doesn’t live in our home) serious complaints about him that would embarrass or humiliate him, even if venting about him might make me feel better. I sure wouldn’t want him to complain about my annoying habit of…well, never mind. (After all, this isn’t about me.)

But, seriously, confiding in a carefully selected, trusted friend, mentor, counselor or pastor is often seen by experts as being a good thing. However, repeatedly griping or grumbling about a variety of issues you have with your spouse to multiple acquaintances is not. I’m sure that many small relationship issues have become major marital crises because of comments—or even gossip—shared by a married person’s well-meaning neighbor, co-worker or church member who just had to voice their opinion about a situation they knew little about.

Additionally, resist the temptation to argue with your spouse in front of others. Now, I don’t mean you shouldn’t ever voice your own opinion or that you should always agree with everything your loved one says. I’m simply saying that, during those times that a conversation with your spouse begins to become argumentative or confrontational, it might be a good idea to politely offer one of those “let’s agree to disagree” statements and carefully direct the attention of the conversation to someone else or another topic. Onlookers will likely see you as a smart person who’s able to keep her cool in the midst of an uncomfortable situation rather than someone who turned a potentially awkward moment into an opportunity to attack her spouse.

Oh, and one more thing…please don’t share secrets your loved one has asked you to keep to yourself. Doing so could hurt them, as well as cause them to not trust you in the future with such information. And, this could seriously damage your relationship.

Closing Thoughts:

While many married people already have a good handle on what it means to show respect to their spouse, all of us benefit from the occasional reminder about how to make this happen in our own relationships. And, one person that recognizes the important part that respect plays in a relationship is Ellie Kay, who wrote The New Bride Guide: Everything You Need to Know About the First Year of Marriage, a few years ago. In her book, which would be a helpful resource even for couples that have been married a while, she says, “Men don’t just want respect from their brides, they actually need it to feel they are important and that what they do matters.” I know plenty of women that feel the same way.

Scripture of Encouragement:

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:33, NIV)

I Want To Hear From You!

It's been quite a while since I included a poll in my blog, so I thought that now--the beginning of the new year--would be a good time to create another one.

The new poll, which you can find below on the left of the page, will allow you to tell me about your New Year's Resolution(s). And, if you've resolved to do something that's not listed among the answers in my poll--or if you refrain from making resolutions--you'll still be able to participate in the poll.

(Note: Individual answers, names of respondents, etc., will be unknown to me and will remain confidential.)

Happy New Year!

I hope that you and everyone that is dear to you will have a safe, healthy, joy-filled, productive, and prosperous New Year!

P.S. I haven't forgotten that I still have four more posts to publish before the piece on sharpening your relationship with your spouse is completed. The fourth one, "Respect Your Spouse," will be published soon.