7 Ways to Sharpen Your Relationship With Your Spouse--Part Six

Parenting experts always advise mothers and fathers to encourage their children. They tell parents through books and seminars that encouraging words and gestures support, cheer on, and shore up their sons and daughters and increase the likelihood they'll develop into confident, well-adjusted adults.

Marriage and family life experts William and Nancy Carmichael felt so strongly about the subject of encouragement that they even dedicated a chapter in their keepsake prayer journal, Lord Bless My Child, to this important character trait.

Titled “Lord, Help My Child To Become An Encourager," the section tells readers that "encouragement is a wonderful gift" that "we must nurture." Why? Because when we give it, we "offer life to someone--strength to go on."

While parents should offer encouragement to their offspring, husbands and wives also should encourage one another. I admit this won't always be easy; sometimes a spouse's personality flaws or quirky habits will make doing this extremely difficult. But, during those times, we aren't excused from being encouraging. We may just find ourselves praying a little harder and a little longer that God will give us exactly what we need in order to reach out to them.

In his book Staying In Love For A Lifetime, Dr. Ed Wheat includes the act of encouraging one’s spouse among his many tips on how to preserve and improve a marriage. In a section especially for newlyweds, he says spouses should strive to “touch” one another emotionally by encouraging and giving their partner “the gift of sympathetic understanding.”

He believes that watching what you say to your partner and praising them will build them up and, ultimately, lead to increased intimacy. And, that’s an important ingredient regardless of whether you’re newly married or have been married for a long time.

New parents should also be intentional about encouraging one another. Although women will likely receive compliments and supportive comments from their own mother and other moms they know, they also want to hear these types of statements from their husbands. Likewise, men also need confirmation that they’re developing into excellent parents and are just as vital to the rearing of their children as their wives are.

This is why Dr. Mark Crawford, author of When Two Becomes Three, addressed this topic in his book. In it, he says it’s important for wives to “encourage and allow” their husbands to be dads, even if they handle child-rearing responsibilities differently. He believes this makes it possible for husbands to “follow” their wives into parenthood and allows them to feel like they’re “an integral part” of the parenting team. And, being part of the team early on is instrumental in the development of the very important father-child bond.

Encouraging one’s spouse is also important during those times when he or she is facing a troubling situation or circumstance, such as job-related stress, financial worries, or the failing health of a parent. That’s when the gift of encouragement takes on even more significance and brings to light words found in the Carmichaels’ book: “at its very heart, encouragement is generosity of spirit—offering to someone else the courage to go on…”

While encouraging one’s spouse during significant phases or changes in life is important, what’s even more important to most of us is that our mates bring Hebrews 3:13 to life and encourage us on a daily basis. A few simple ways to do this are to place handwritten notes containing compliments in places where your spouse will find them, such as your wife’s purse or your husband’s briefcase. You can even tuck them into your spouse’s suitcase before they go out of town on a business trip or into their lunch bag if you pack their lunches for them.

If your spouse needs to work on improving their health, you could encourage them in their efforts by offering to make little changes in the way you prepare family meals. You also could suggest that the two of you begin exercising together or even sign up to take a workout class together at your local fitness center or recreational facility.

If your loved one is feeling down about themselves or their life in general, you could commit to looking for opportunities to offer genuine, verbal compliments about their appearance, their character, their talents, or even the way they take care of you and your family. It's not hard to come up with ways to encourage one's spouse; all we need to do is identify ways to show them they’re valued and are not alone as they go through life.

Closing Thoughts:

If you’re already making a habit of encouraging your husband or wife, please keep it up. They are a better person because of this. However, if you can’t think of the last time you were intentional about reaching out to your mate in this way, please begin today to do things differently…for their sake and for the sake of your family.

Also, try to refrain from being overly critical of your loved one, both in the privacy of your own home and in front of others. Unless you had some very unusual and unbiblical wedding vows the day you married, I’m pretty sure they didn’t include the promise to tear one another down verbally or emotionally. If you have trouble doing this on your own, consider finding a marriage counselor who will assist you in developing healthier, more constructive ways to interact with your spouse.

Scripture of Encouragement:

“A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4, NIV)